Bond better
Know thyself.
Relationships are like gravity. You will seek them out and fall for them.
You are born to bond. You secretly crave forming the deepest relationships with everyone you like.
Whether you are looking for your perfect match, a travel buddy to go on an adventure with, or just friends in this journey called life, everyday is a new opportunity to plunge into the unknown.
But alas, we lead lives of quiet desperation. Cold and isolated in a crowded city, we are more isolated that ever.
I hope this post shines a ray of light that can spark a change. Let’s bond better.
Natural in a group
Choir members unconsciously start breathing in synchrony about 20 mins into a performance — even their hearts beat in a rhythm. This is despite not being explicitly aware of everyone around them. Similarly, applause during the concert synchronizes, as does laughter during comedy.
In a group setting, you will fall into a bond within minutes. You don’t even realize how quickly you do this.
So if you are ever lonely and just wanted to feel “bonded”, go attend a group activity. It will do wonders to your mood. Tai-chi, yoga, dancing and concerts/sports events will give you that feeling of instant bonding.
If you are looking for travel buddies, make sure you insist on group activities. But I suspect you are looking for something deeper. So am I.
Why does it feel “off”?
She beamed at me as she gifted me a box. The box was neatly gift-wrapped. I knew the contents inside were expensive. I had known her for three months and this was a pattern — the gifts kept getting more expensive.
The price tag never made me feel special.
I felt guilty receiving it. And hollow. Do I owe her something now? How can I say no? We parted ways soon.
Sometime later, I discovered that we all have love languages. Turns out, I do like some gifts. But stories and gesture — never the price tag — meant the world to me.
But it is deeper than that.
Your bonding pattern is baked
Biology drives bonding.
“Life begins in utero, living in relation to its mother” says psychologist Vivian Zayas. This biological relationship carries over to infancy, as infants look to form secure attachments with their caregivers.
In fact, infants learn how to bond from their primary caregivers. When that bonding isn’t imminent, the infant believes it is unworthy of love and internalizes a pattern deeply.
Find out what yours is. Know thyself.
Touch & Time
I was the firstborn in a large family. Roughly 10 months into her marriage, and barely 21, my mother would later tell me she was not entirely ready to have a baby.
Being the firstborn in a large family means adoration. There was always a queue of people waiting to pick me up.
But I do not remember being held or touched by my mother until I was well into my teenage years. And when that happened it felt like a miracle. Regardless of adoration from extended family members, I was always yearning for my mother.
As adults, our bonding focus shifts from caregivers to peers. But we continue to seek out patterns from infancy. The most prominent ones are: words of affirmation, gifts, touches, acts of service and quality time, in particular order.
To this day, a simple touch-of-the-hand or a hug does wonders for me — the likes that gifts purchased for money never can. But I would only later discover there is more than that.
I randomly walk up to giant trees and hug them for minutes. I can’t quite explain why.
Connect & Wander
We were always moving. The states, houses, languages, cuisines and holidays kept changing every 5 years. To this day I seek change when things get stagnant.
I was the new boy in school far too often. They’d ask “So where are you from?” It was starting to get difficult to answer that question in one word. Most of the folks at school were always from “around” here.
But I grew up seeing myself everywhere. I was more accepting, less scripted, and constantly forgave myself for saying funny things as I kept learning languages.
Travel helps you bond with humanity. It is a stunning feeling. In reality, you will bond with yourself every time you wander.
Wander like a Gypsy. This planet is your home.
“We are all like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.” — William James
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