How to bond with people
Go deeper. Listen better. Seek authenticity. Five stories.
So you want to get to know people but struggle to do that in a short interaction (or even after years of being with someone?).
You are not alone.
Most material on the webosphere about this topic only scratches the surface. I’ve tried them in various facets of my life (friends, dates, and recruits) and most have backfired quickly.
But a few patterns have worked wonders. This post is an attempt to help you grasp some of these patterns.
If you want a companion to travel the globe, or in this journey called life, we hope these stories help you dig deeper.
We are all masked
To really get to know someone, you have to bring down some fake walls. Peek beyond yours. Climb behind theirs.
We build walls to mask us from hurt. Every hurt put another brick in place. These are largely useless, though. People only connect when we remove our walls.
So how do you break down walls? Not easy. I have struggled with walls most of my life. But you can bring external tremors to lift that veil quickly.
36 questions to connect instantly
A psychologist named Arthur Aron came up with a list of 36 questions that can apparently make any two people fall in love. On face value, that’s kind of intense.
I’ve tried these with mixed results. Without getting into notch counts, every experience has been unique. To be honest, the questions themselves are rather meaningless.
But they lead towards interesting conversations that can indirectly help establish stronger bonds. Truth is, we approach getting to know people at a surface level rather than deep authenticity. Arthur’s exposition breaks that pattern. And so does ruffling feathers.
Ruffle their feathers. Or poison their coffee.
If you ask people boring questions, you will barely know who they are. “What is your hobby? What do you do for work?”Ah, boring.
Cut the lede. Go ruffle their feathers briefly. You will shatter the mask.
Winston Churchill was a highly opinionated. He was stubborn and held steadfast to his beliefs.
Once at a dinner, a young woman got into an argument with him. Heated arguments flew back and forth. Neither compromised.
Towards the end, the exasperated woman moaned: “If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee”.
To which Churchill replied: “If I were your husband, I will drink it instantly”.
That kind of confidence comes from a place of extreme self reassurance. And wit. Ruffle and ye shall find what the other is made of.
We are all 7 years old
You will learn a lot more about the other person if you walked next to their 7 year old selves.
Mathematically speaking, we have almost lived half our lives by that age. Every passing year feels shorter in proportion. From there on, it’s like watching your life in the rear view mirror shrinking by the second.
Our love-languages, self-worth, and connection to this world are formed very strongly during this time. The missing components are often what we seek for the rest of our lives.
Aspire to take a walk with people at this age. Be sensitive, though. You are walking next to a child. Be sure to hold that hand when they open up.
Confidence, responsibility, and vulnerability
They say there are 3% of us that are truly awesome — we emphatically enrich every group or individual we interact with. You surely know someone in your life that has this effect.
Guess what they all have in common? Confidence, responsibility and vulnerability.
Confidence is trusting in yourself and completely accepting who you are — your virtues, flaws, the good, the bad and ugly. Your confidence is not tied to money, biceps, or accomplishments. You can figure this out easy when people talk about themselves.
Responsibility is an ability to take absolute ownership of every event or decisions in your life. The weak always find a way to cast blame on someone else or something external for their woes. And it will always be that way.
Vulnerability is an ability to embrace your flaws so completely that you can wear it on your sleeve as an armor, not hide in a closet. If we cannot embrace our flaws and love who we are, how are we to connect with anyone else? Vulnerability, coupled with strong boundaries, is the foundation of authenticity.
People of no importance
We are all extra nice to folks who can do things for us. But that is fake.
Pay attention to how people treat folks who are of no importance to them. You know, folks who are in no position to help or influence their lives in any meaningful way. The waiters. The delivery guys. The phone-concierges.
Watching how one treats people in the lower end of the spectrum is an excellent indicator of who they are internally. This is how they’ll treat you tomorrow when you are of no importance to them.
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